Lately the weather has been dark, rainy, and cool. Days like this, at this time of year, bring out the worst in me. But the last couple of weeks have been more challenging than ever. The shift in the light and season means we are nearing the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I will have to spend without my grandfather. It reminds me of a time when I lived in the bedroom next to his, the event that caused me to move in with him, and the many year long spiritual journey I began. I have been reliving so many emotions and memories. It is making my soul ache.
It is a feeling much different from heartache, yet they are one in the same. When your soul cries out, it rattles your entire being. Your very foundation begins to crack. You shake and blow in the wind The rain pelts your skin harder than it ever has before. Eventually the storm settles. But before it does, you to start to question everything you've known to be fact, believed, and thought. Your grief is all consuming. But somehow you find a way to place one foot in front of the other and continue on.
In a word, it is strange.
I feel guilt as well. At a point in time, why didn't I take more control over my life? Why should I be wracked with grief now, when I am so blessed? When I am able to care for my child in our home full time, why should I hurt so? Am I just being selfish? Or do most people go through this period in their lives?
Many times in the day I find my mind wandering back to the day that lead to living with my grandfather. That memory does not hurt anymore. But the feelings and thoughts I had after that day, when I remember them, it is like I am having to shovel through all of that again. I was so alone, confused, and heartbroken. It was a very dark time in my life. I took that time with Grandpa and my self exploration for granted.
That time my was my rock bottom. So I climbed up and worked on myself. I am still diligently climbing and working. This is work that will never be finished, I know.
Those dark days lessened and lead into a warm spring. Four years later that same type of warm spring ended before it even began, and my world grew a little darker. Grandpa died, and now here I am. I am questioning if I had ever truly healed, if I had made any tangible progress, or if time, people walking in and out of my life, and the birth of a beautiful daughter distracted me and masked my struggle. Now, am I building on to my personal hell by drudging up all of these old feelings? How am I supposed to navigate this holiday season without the man who helped me push through before? Am I just hurting myself more by constantly reminding myself that Grandpa is gone? Why am I feeling and remembering so many horrific things, when I should be over that and working towards ending my grieving period over Grandpa's passing?
I have so many questions locked away. I need answers. But this moment in time, this soul aching, it is not that simple. These questions do not have answers. Sometimes we reach an area in our path that "just is". It just exists. It changes what is and what will be and what was. But it is nothing necessarily profound. Not everything happens for one distinct reason. Often times there are many reasons.
I am finding this time in my life is less dark than it is a shade of grey. A transition period, I would assume. But it is difficult, nonetheless. It almost appears that my soul is trying to purge itself of all the baggage I have carried around. As if it is trying to start fresh after suffering such a great loss. And though I struggle, I know I will come out on the other side of this. I have no other option but to go on. Life does not stop here. I have so many things to live for. So many blessings to count. So much of my story is still yet to be written.
So this grey, this in between, maybe it is this way because I know I am moving on. Because I have the answers I am searching for somewhere in my heart. Maybe it is that my grandfather's passing severs all the ties to that period in my life. If any or all of these thoughts are the case, then I know, soon I will be able to start again. To open my eyes to blank pages to fill. To continue on.
