I was thinking of you today.


It's your birthday.
A week before mine.
It's almost spring.
Your favorite season.
The weather has been decent.
For Oklahoma, anyway.
Can you believe how fast time is going?
I know I can't.
I miss you.

It's been almost a year.
So much has changed.

My hair is longer now.
Aren't you surprised?
You know I've always preferred short and sassy.
The baby isn't a baby anymore.
She's almost two!
She's a free spirit.
She gets it from you.

I am doing fine.
And school starts soon.

But I can't seem to get past,
that I miss you.

Two weeks from now,
fills with me dread.

I replay all of our memories.
I listen to your favorite songs.
I remember the last words you spoke to me.
I wish I could hear your voice.
I think of your stories you told all the time.

If you were still here,
I'd come home today.
You'd half shout "HEY! Whatareyadoin'?" just like that, as came through the door.
You'd see RJ and start in "How's my baby? Come see Grandpa!".
You would be so disappointed in the stance of our world.
And you would complain, comically, about something or another of unimportance.
You'd ask for a swig of my Red Bull and make a sour face.
And then get on to me for drinking such disgusting things.
You would rub your face with your hands that were more like paws.
And probably say something like "ooohhhbooyyy" to no one in particular.

I bet if you were here,
We'd be eating chocolate ice cream with chocolate cake today.
Maybe we'd even go to Sonic.
Chili cheese dog with mustard, tots, and a diet coke for you.
When it was time for me to leave,
You'd probably find 5 million things for me to do before I left.
You'd just keeping talking about anything.
I would feel so bad that I couldn't just stay there with you.
You'd say "Be careful going home, and don't take any wooden nickels now.".

Do you remember the last time we ate chocolate ice cream together?
It was obvious you were trying to relive a few old memories.
Do you remember the last words you said to me?
"Don't get old Alex. It isn't worth it."
Mom thought you were rambling.
You weren't.
It was a conversation we had had not long before that.
Do you remember there very last time you held my hand?
I was in labor. You came to see me.
I remember how you turned your head and took a deep breath,
When I told you goodbye for the last time.
You died right after that.
You were waiting for me to say I'd be okay.
So I told you I would be.
I lied.
I'm not okay.
You "didn't want to leave the party".
And I didn't want you to go.
I feel like a broken hearted little girl.
You're the only person who ever loved me.
You're the only person who was ever proud of me.
And I miss you so much.

I'm sorry to ruin your birthday with my tears.
It should be a happy day.
You'd be 82!
You lived such a long life.
I know you were thankful for every day you had.
I'm thankful for those days too.

I guess it's time to go now.
I love you so much.