Good Morning Dear Reader. Today I’m frustrated. I am just flat out irritated. I’ve been working on a project at work for almost a month and it is going no where. It’s making me so mad. I’m someone who takes a lot of pride in my work and I strive to give the best customer service possible. So as you can imagine, I’m taking this pretty personal.
Which I’m finding is a trend in my life. I take everything personal.
Because I was frustrated, I stopped at my favorite coffee shop in town on my way to work to type this. I love that place. They staff is great, the drinks are always the perfect temperature, and they’re a business ministry that helps women who are ex-convicts rehabilitate, assimilate, and find gainful employment. But this morning when they barista was like “OH! Congratulations! When are you due? “ I immediately thought “WHY? DO I LOOK LIKE A COW OR SOMETHING?”…
Really Alex? This chick is someone you see occasionally through the drive through window, of course she didn’t know you were pregnant. AND, she gave you a free drink because clearly you’re sleep deprived, which she could tell that from the huge bags under your eyes. Don’t be such a psycho hose beast.
I should just punch myself in the face for that one.
I really need to learn that not everything is an attack. I also need to learn how to keep my emotions in check when I haven’t slept and am so pregnant that I make an elephant’s gestational period look short.
I think it’s going to be one of those days Dear Reader.
I better go get another tea. I’m going to need it.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Sunday, September 10, 2017
The Cross
Happy Sunday Dear Reader. I'm crabby this evening. Tomorrow is Zach's birthday, so I baked his cake earlier. Do you know how hard it is to bake a cake when you can't have any? Gestational diabetes is stupid and I miss carbs.
Anyway.
After my sappy last post, you learned just how dramatically my life has changed over the course of the year. I had originally planned on writing more about that today but I'm just not feeling sentimental and mushy. Instead I'm just going to tell you about a moment in time I keep replying in my head.
In my hometown there is gigantic white cross off the East side of the highway. It sits in the middle of an open field that was clearly farmland at some point and has since found itself the future home of a Christian learning center and proud holder of said cross. The piece of property is the typical heartland beauty, fence rows lined with scrubby trees, Bermuda grass growing in wild patches, handfuls of little weed like flowers are scattered over the area. It's simple and still somehow breathtaking.
When that cross was erected, I remember being in awe of it's beauty and being ashamed that my little town would support such an obvious waste of funds that could have gone to the school or some charity. I was just torn emotionally on the landmark, but I still found myself driving by it with Robbie and telling her why it was there and what it meant.
I should mention that at the time, my relationship with myself and any form of organized religion was quite strained. I wanted to believe in God, but I felt like I was standing outside of the fence while I watched other people find themselves and their faith.
I wasn't part of the crowd. I was uninvited.
On one particularly bad day I was driving home from my mother's house when something just hit me. I wanted to disappear, to end all of my struggle. At the same time I was passing that cross. I couldn't help but notice the line of trees on the fences and I thought something along the lines of how it was a perfect representation of my life. Forever kept on the outside. Never getting to cross over and join the crowd and always lonely. I was so angry with God and myself and the world. How could I just be pushed to the side like that time after time? Why should I be forced to carry such hurt in my heart constantly?
Flash forward to present day. I have clearly dealt with many of my issues, and I'm doing much better mentally thanks to hard work and a whole lot of love and support from Zach. But that day still nags at me. I can hear the thoughts in my head. I can see the the cross and the trees kind of blur as I drive past. I can feel the same anguish. I just can't get past this small paragraph in my story.
Last Sunday at church the message was good as usual, but it hit home for Zach. Something resonated with him and he had a moment that was absolutely heartbreaking and healing all at once. It was something I had never experienced or witnessed before. He just simply let go.
If you've ever seen this happen before, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Something just changes in the room. It is serious and inspirational, and most likely at least a handful of people will cry. It's very intense and basically indescribable.
I know you're thinking that I just jumped topics here, but we are coming full circle. Seeing my husband experience something so personal and monumental has weighed on my mind greatly. He was raised in the church, so this is nothing new for him. But when you are someone who is new to the fold, it has a much deeper impact.
What if seeing that brought the cross memory to the forefront of my mind because it's time to just simply let go of all of my baggage? How does one even begin? I have so many unanswered questions and I am searching for answers, but what if that was my answer? This is something that is going to take some pondering, praying, and a lot of coffee to figure out. But maybe, just maybe, for the first time in my life I am on the path to being a whole, healed, soul.
Anyway.
After my sappy last post, you learned just how dramatically my life has changed over the course of the year. I had originally planned on writing more about that today but I'm just not feeling sentimental and mushy. Instead I'm just going to tell you about a moment in time I keep replying in my head.
In my hometown there is gigantic white cross off the East side of the highway. It sits in the middle of an open field that was clearly farmland at some point and has since found itself the future home of a Christian learning center and proud holder of said cross. The piece of property is the typical heartland beauty, fence rows lined with scrubby trees, Bermuda grass growing in wild patches, handfuls of little weed like flowers are scattered over the area. It's simple and still somehow breathtaking.
When that cross was erected, I remember being in awe of it's beauty and being ashamed that my little town would support such an obvious waste of funds that could have gone to the school or some charity. I was just torn emotionally on the landmark, but I still found myself driving by it with Robbie and telling her why it was there and what it meant.
I should mention that at the time, my relationship with myself and any form of organized religion was quite strained. I wanted to believe in God, but I felt like I was standing outside of the fence while I watched other people find themselves and their faith.
I wasn't part of the crowd. I was uninvited.
On one particularly bad day I was driving home from my mother's house when something just hit me. I wanted to disappear, to end all of my struggle. At the same time I was passing that cross. I couldn't help but notice the line of trees on the fences and I thought something along the lines of how it was a perfect representation of my life. Forever kept on the outside. Never getting to cross over and join the crowd and always lonely. I was so angry with God and myself and the world. How could I just be pushed to the side like that time after time? Why should I be forced to carry such hurt in my heart constantly?
Flash forward to present day. I have clearly dealt with many of my issues, and I'm doing much better mentally thanks to hard work and a whole lot of love and support from Zach. But that day still nags at me. I can hear the thoughts in my head. I can see the the cross and the trees kind of blur as I drive past. I can feel the same anguish. I just can't get past this small paragraph in my story.
Last Sunday at church the message was good as usual, but it hit home for Zach. Something resonated with him and he had a moment that was absolutely heartbreaking and healing all at once. It was something I had never experienced or witnessed before. He just simply let go.
If you've ever seen this happen before, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Something just changes in the room. It is serious and inspirational, and most likely at least a handful of people will cry. It's very intense and basically indescribable.
I know you're thinking that I just jumped topics here, but we are coming full circle. Seeing my husband experience something so personal and monumental has weighed on my mind greatly. He was raised in the church, so this is nothing new for him. But when you are someone who is new to the fold, it has a much deeper impact.
What if seeing that brought the cross memory to the forefront of my mind because it's time to just simply let go of all of my baggage? How does one even begin? I have so many unanswered questions and I am searching for answers, but what if that was my answer? This is something that is going to take some pondering, praying, and a lot of coffee to figure out. But maybe, just maybe, for the first time in my life I am on the path to being a whole, healed, soul.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Blog Mom, Blog!: Welcome Home
Blog Mom, Blog!: Welcome Home: Good morning, Dear Reader. It's been entirely too long since I've posted anything. Partly because I haven't had any inspiration,...
Welcome Home
Good morning, Dear Reader. It's been entirely too long since I've posted anything. Partly because I haven't had any inspiration, but mostly because I have been extremely busy. I'm not entirely certain where I left you, but let me catch you up. Robbie's father and I split up, I met a wonderful man named Zach, got a promotion at Panera, left Panera for a job with a credit union, got married and pregnant, got a promotion at the credit union, moved to be closer to work, and now we're two months out from my our son, Josiah, being born.
I've crammed what normal people go through in the span of like five years into roughly a year, give or take a few months.
And I couldn't be happier. I find myself thanking God daily that so much changed so quickly. No, it isn't easy by any means. Zach and I struggle daily, but I've finally found someone who knows how to handle just how neurotic I am. We actually talk about our issues, usually before they become an issue, and he loves me. He truly loves Alex and all that happens in Alexland.
Plus he is so damn handsome and he enjoys energy drinks just as much as I do. It was destiny.
Seriously though, my life has dramatically changed for the better. My credit score couldn't be worse, but my finances are stable. I'm not in constant danger of my home being ripped away from me. My daughter gained an amazing father who is kind and patient and learned all of the names of the ponies in Equestria because she loves My Little Pony. I'm excited about having another baby (and maybe one or two more in the future) even though I swore I would never have anymore kids after Robbie was born. The in-laws I gained absolutely bend over backwards to help us if and when we need it, especially my mother in law. I don't know how she puts up with us.
And it's football season. *PISTOLS FIRING!*
For the first time in my adult life, I feel that life is beautiful. How can one person be so blessed?
I've crammed what normal people go through in the span of like five years into roughly a year, give or take a few months.
And I couldn't be happier. I find myself thanking God daily that so much changed so quickly. No, it isn't easy by any means. Zach and I struggle daily, but I've finally found someone who knows how to handle just how neurotic I am. We actually talk about our issues, usually before they become an issue, and he loves me. He truly loves Alex and all that happens in Alexland.
Plus he is so damn handsome and he enjoys energy drinks just as much as I do. It was destiny.
Seriously though, my life has dramatically changed for the better. My credit score couldn't be worse, but my finances are stable. I'm not in constant danger of my home being ripped away from me. My daughter gained an amazing father who is kind and patient and learned all of the names of the ponies in Equestria because she loves My Little Pony. I'm excited about having another baby (and maybe one or two more in the future) even though I swore I would never have anymore kids after Robbie was born. The in-laws I gained absolutely bend over backwards to help us if and when we need it, especially my mother in law. I don't know how she puts up with us.
And it's football season. *PISTOLS FIRING!*
For the first time in my adult life, I feel that life is beautiful. How can one person be so blessed?
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