A Day on the Farm.

Happy first day of fall, Dear Reader. Here in Oklahoma, it's still hotter than hell on a bad day for Satan, but the meteorological professionals on the television keep promising cooler weather is on its way. I know better, however. This is Oklahoma for cryin' out loud. We get two seasons, Quakenado (Summer), and Blizzaquakenado (Winter). I'm not even kidding. Last Christmas Eve we had a tornado warning and a winter weather advisory for the same areas all day. In true Okie form, no one paid any mind to the warnings and we all celebrated our holiday.

Anyway, I'm not here to tell you about the Oklahoma weather patterns, or lack there of. No, my friend, today I'm going to tell you a little story about my grandmother, and a gorilla.

So many years ago there used to be an animal farm down the road from my house. Actually, the animal farm is still there but it is owned by a different person now. And they call it a sanctuary I believe. Anyway at the time it was one of those drive thru zoo attractions but it had a petting zoo and a few caged beasts. It was great fun, for me anyway. My poor Grandma took me there frequently and was probably bored to tears every time we went, except for the last time.

The very last time we went started out pretty normal. We drove through and saw the camels and zebras and the handful of llamas the farm had roaming around. We went to the petting zoo and I fed the baby llama that wasn't really a baby anymore. It chewed on my ear, and then spit at one of the fawns that was running around because that llama was certain that the fawn was going to steal its food and my attention. The llama was right. Eventually we migrated to the big caged animal area where there lived a giant, and I mean giant, monkey. I said earlier that it was a gorilla, and in my mind it was, but in all actuality, it was probably a chimp. This dude was old. He was rather grumpy and just ignored visitors when they came by. But for whatever reason, he was full of piss and vigor that day. He did a few typical monkey things, made some noise, threw around his toys, acted generally silly. I guess all that showing off made him thirsty so he reached through the cage and grabbed a piece of cut up garden hose, stuck it in his stock tank full of water, and got a big cool drink.

Of course I thought this was the best thing ever. I had yet to see this primate do much of anything but sit around and ignore everyone. I told Grandma how neat it was and she agreed. We stood there examining him for a bit when out of nowhere that old asshole spit that big drink of water he had taken all over my poor elderly grandmother. The monkey smiled a big yellow toothed smile, and laughed to himself. I'm certain I fell over from laughing so hard. But poor Grandma, she was mortified.

She marched straight over to the visitor's center and told the receptionist all about the monkey's awful behavior. Of course everyone in the office found the incident to be hilarious, but still, Grandma was not amused.

Later that day when my mom came to pick me up after work, Grandma told Mom what had happened. I distinctly remember Mom stifling her laughter as my distraught grandmother shuddered and said "And, oh, he smiled with those big yellow teeth!"

I will never forget that last trip to the animal farm, and I will never forget the look on my grandmother's face as that monkey spit all over her!

Ahh, Sunday Morning.

Good morning, Dear Reader. It's a lovely Sunday, AND I FINALLY HAVE A DAY OFF FROM WORK!!! I was even able to sleep past my typical 4:45am wake up call, without the help of a sleep aide. I don't know if you can hear it but, there are angels singing songs of rejoice in my honor. It is glorious.

You know what isn't glorious, though? Sleeping next to your toddler.

Per her usual routine, Robbie woke up at 5am, got in our bed, and we all tried to rest peacefully. And at first we managed this. But then I started dreaming about the book I've been reading. (Gary L. Stewart's account of trying to find his birth father, and discovering his father was the Zodiac Killer. Super creepy, but I can't put it down.) Being that I am quite the sissy and couldn't return to sleep, I laid beside my sleeping toddler, quietly, when out of nowhere, the smelliest of smelly toddler feet smacked me right in the face.

Unsure of what to do, for fear I might awaken my child, I just suffered and suffocated under her toes and foot stank. It was awful. But it gets worse. Soon I found my face being crushed by BOTH of her stinky feet. Unable to stand the stench anymore, I rolled over to face away from her. At last I could breathe, and I was beginning to tire, so I decided to go back to sleep.

I'm certain I was starting to snore about the time the kicking to my back began, so I am sure I deserved that. But what came next was unjust. In my half asleep haze, I rolled back over believing I would cuddle with my sweet sleeping baby. But there were no cuddles to be had. Oh no. In place of the cuddles that should have been, my child gave me the gift of possible decapitation. She slashed her arms through the air, coming down directly on my windpipe. Still in fear of waking of the child, I tried to cough and sputter in to the blanket. My attempts were spurned by my child's head butting straight in to my chest. Such action surely left a bruise on my sternum. In my head I screamed in pain, but only bit my lip to keep from crying out and awakening the storm that is my offspring.

Blankets and pillows began to fly as my little darling pelted me with anything that was within her am's reach, and I began to realize that the entire time I believed my child was sleeping wildly, she was in fact very much awake.

I was hurt and insulted by her mischievous behavior, but I was unwilling to get out of my warm bed at the time, so I continued pretending to sleep. It was not long before I was found out, and demands for cereal and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse began. Defeated and battered, I limped into the living room to provide the solution to my child's demands and begin typing this for you, Dear Reader. In the event that I should pass away due to my injuries, or am suffocated by my toddler's beloved blankie at nap time, please remember me as I always was, dramatic, sarcastic, and over caffeinated.