The Cross

Happy Sunday Dear Reader. I'm crabby this evening. Tomorrow is Zach's birthday, so I baked his cake earlier. Do you know how hard it is to bake a cake when you can't have any? Gestational diabetes is stupid and I miss carbs.

Anyway.

After my sappy last post, you learned just how dramatically my life has changed over the course of the year. I had originally planned on writing more about that today but I'm just not feeling sentimental and mushy. Instead I'm just going to tell you about a moment in time I keep replying in my head.

In my hometown there is gigantic white cross off the East side of the highway. It sits in the middle of an open field that was clearly farmland at some point and has since found itself the future home of a Christian learning center and proud holder of said cross. The piece of property is the typical heartland beauty, fence rows lined with scrubby trees, Bermuda grass growing in wild patches, handfuls of little weed like flowers are scattered over the area. It's simple and still somehow breathtaking.

When that cross was erected, I remember being in awe of it's beauty and being ashamed that my little town would support such an obvious waste of funds that could have gone to the school or some charity. I was just torn emotionally on the landmark, but I still found myself driving by it with Robbie and telling her why it was there and what it meant.

I should mention that at the time, my relationship with myself and any form of organized religion was quite strained. I wanted to believe in God, but I felt like I was standing outside of the fence while I watched other people find themselves and their faith.

I wasn't part of the crowd. I was uninvited.

On one particularly bad day I was driving home from my mother's house when something just hit me. I wanted to disappear, to end all of my struggle. At the same time I was passing that cross. I couldn't help but notice the line of trees on the fences and I thought something along the lines of how it was a perfect representation of my life. Forever kept on the outside. Never getting to cross over and join the crowd and always lonely. I was so angry with God and myself and the world. How could I just be pushed to the side like that time after time? Why should I be forced to carry such hurt in my heart constantly?

Flash forward to present day. I have clearly dealt with many of my issues, and I'm doing much better mentally thanks to hard work and a whole lot of love and support from Zach. But that day still nags at me. I can hear the thoughts in my head. I can see the the cross and the trees kind of blur as I drive past. I can feel the same anguish. I just can't get past this small paragraph in my story.

Last Sunday at church the message was good as usual, but it hit home for Zach. Something resonated with him and he had a moment that was absolutely heartbreaking and healing all at once. It was something I had never experienced or witnessed before. He just simply let go.

If you've ever seen this happen before, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Something just changes in the room. It is serious and inspirational, and most likely at least a handful of people will cry. It's very intense and basically indescribable.

I know you're thinking that I just jumped topics here, but we are coming full circle. Seeing my husband experience something so personal and monumental has weighed on my mind greatly. He was raised in the church, so this is nothing new for him. But when you are someone who is new to the fold, it has a much deeper impact.

What if seeing that brought the cross memory to the forefront of my mind because it's time to just simply let go of all of my baggage? How does one even begin? I have so many unanswered questions and I am searching for answers, but what if that was my answer? This is something that is going to take some pondering, praying, and a lot of coffee to figure out. But maybe, just maybe, for the first time in my life I am on the path to being a whole, healed, soul.

Ahh, Sunday Morning.

Good morning, Dear Reader. It's a lovely Sunday, AND I FINALLY HAVE A DAY OFF FROM WORK!!! I was even able to sleep past my typical 4:45am wake up call, without the help of a sleep aide. I don't know if you can hear it but, there are angels singing songs of rejoice in my honor. It is glorious.

You know what isn't glorious, though? Sleeping next to your toddler.

Per her usual routine, Robbie woke up at 5am, got in our bed, and we all tried to rest peacefully. And at first we managed this. But then I started dreaming about the book I've been reading. (Gary L. Stewart's account of trying to find his birth father, and discovering his father was the Zodiac Killer. Super creepy, but I can't put it down.) Being that I am quite the sissy and couldn't return to sleep, I laid beside my sleeping toddler, quietly, when out of nowhere, the smelliest of smelly toddler feet smacked me right in the face.

Unsure of what to do, for fear I might awaken my child, I just suffered and suffocated under her toes and foot stank. It was awful. But it gets worse. Soon I found my face being crushed by BOTH of her stinky feet. Unable to stand the stench anymore, I rolled over to face away from her. At last I could breathe, and I was beginning to tire, so I decided to go back to sleep.

I'm certain I was starting to snore about the time the kicking to my back began, so I am sure I deserved that. But what came next was unjust. In my half asleep haze, I rolled back over believing I would cuddle with my sweet sleeping baby. But there were no cuddles to be had. Oh no. In place of the cuddles that should have been, my child gave me the gift of possible decapitation. She slashed her arms through the air, coming down directly on my windpipe. Still in fear of waking of the child, I tried to cough and sputter in to the blanket. My attempts were spurned by my child's head butting straight in to my chest. Such action surely left a bruise on my sternum. In my head I screamed in pain, but only bit my lip to keep from crying out and awakening the storm that is my offspring.

Blankets and pillows began to fly as my little darling pelted me with anything that was within her am's reach, and I began to realize that the entire time I believed my child was sleeping wildly, she was in fact very much awake.

I was hurt and insulted by her mischievous behavior, but I was unwilling to get out of my warm bed at the time, so I continued pretending to sleep. It was not long before I was found out, and demands for cereal and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse began. Defeated and battered, I limped into the living room to provide the solution to my child's demands and begin typing this for you, Dear Reader. In the event that I should pass away due to my injuries, or am suffocated by my toddler's beloved blankie at nap time, please remember me as I always was, dramatic, sarcastic, and over caffeinated.

Alex Laments. Episode 522.

Well hello, Dear Reader. Fancy meeting you here...I really shouldn't say that. I'm not entirely sure what it means, and obviously you're here because you read, and you like reading what I write. Soooo...

I believe some time ago I had promised I would write more when things calmed down in my life. Unfortunately my life has just gotten crazier and crazier. I finished out my last term in school for the year, in August, while working full time. That was, um, fun? But I did it, and I finished with like a 3.6 GPA. So pat me on the back and tell me I'm special. Because I am special, dammit. Now I'm working all the time. No seriously, like 6 days a week. That has not been fun. But it is necessary. There is hope on the horizon though. My employer has hired more staff, so I shouldn't be at work all the time anymore, and I've been working the job market a little. Pimping out my resume, if you will.

Wait, can you pimp out a resume that isn't impressive? Isn't that the point of putting your goods on the street? Because they're impressive and everyone wants them? I have no idea. My milkshakes DO NOT bring all the boys to the yard, so I'm probably going about this all wrong.

...anyway...I've been searching for gainful employment. Which basically means I've been thinking about how I wish I could work part time while receiving benefits and getting paid at least $1000.00 per hour. #realisticlifesgoal #igotsem. Obviously that is not going to happen. But I really have been considering what to do next, and what will be beneficial in my career path. I think I mentioned before that I had previously been majoring in surgical technology, because I couldn't afford the nursing program, but when the school announced it was closing I decided to pursue a creative writing degree? I still want to do that, but my heart is very much people oriented, and I need face to face interaction with folks to survive. I love people. So I've been tossing around majoring in healthcare admin or maybe a business focus of some sort, and minoring in writing. I mean, I've got to brush up my composition skills if I'm ever going to publish something note worthy. I still need to remind my brothers that I am better than they are and that I'm famous, and they're just butt faces. So a minor in creative writing is important. But trying to figure out my actual career path is hard. My heart  wants to be a healer, my wallet wants to be full, and my soul wants something that has family friendly hours. It's been a rather large task weighing the benefits and downfalls of everything, but doing so has made me realize just how much I really need more balance in my life.

I have NEVER been a balanced person. I zoom from one extreme to the next. I'm a workaholic and I prefer to always be busy. So when I started my current job, of course I offered to step up and work myself in to perpetual sickness (no really, since I started I've caught illness after illness, along with the majority of my coworkers). While this personality trait was a blessing before I had my daughter, it is now a curse. It leaves no room for family life, but it does improve the quality of the little bit of time we get together. The TV is playing more music, and we are all spending our time together instead of vegging out in front of Bob's Burgers re-runs. I just need and want to be home more. I'm missing out on so much. 

This time last year I was waking up to watch the sunrise and drink coffee while Robbie slept peacefully in bed. I was spending afternoons snuggling and playing with my little love. I was cooking every recipe I could get my hands on, and baking a new treat on the weekends. I didn't place enough value on those moments then. I knew they wouldn't last forever, but I didn't realize just how much I would miss them once they were gone. Now I am gone before Robbie or Cameron are awake in the mornings. I get home in just enough time to slap together dinner and spend maybe half an hour playing before it's time to go to bed. There is no meal made out of love. There is no baking. The sunrise is viewed in my rear view mirror. There is no rocking my girl or playing tea party with her. It's a strange place to be in. It isn't miserable. It is just unsatisfying. 

Which is sort of ironic, because this time has taught me so much about myself I didn't know. It has somehow made me into a better mother, a better person, a better student, a better employee, and strengthened my soul and my faith. I find myself almost admiring my growth. I am proud of who I am. 

I just want to enjoy who I've become with the ones I love more. 

So now I'm facing a very the very large project of making a path that will allow me to soak in those special moments again. I have no idea how or where to start, but I am going to make it happen. Some way, some how, I will get that balance that I need between career and family, and I will continue to grow. 

30 Days of Gratitude: Day Two.

Today's prompt is "what technology are you grateful for?" While I would really like to answer this with "cellphone and tablet technology", I will try to come up with something else. I started typing out the post and it just seemed trivial and a little dull. We are all thankful for our devices. They keep us connected to the world and our loved ones, and they let us access Pinterest which is almost as important as keeping up with your family. 

Okay, maybe Pinterest is only that big of a deal in my house. Cam and I both have a horrible addiction. Robbie has benefitted from it though.

Anywho, back to the topic at hand. I truly don't know what to pick other than devices. I mean, I'm grateful for coffee makers and stand/hand mixers. I also thoroughly enjoy the Internet and my Roku player. YouTube has brought my little family hours of entertainment in the form of toy unboxing videos (another serious addiction that all three of us will never be able to kick.) Beachbody On Demand is whipping my tail end into shape. Amazon and my Kindle app have allowed me to go broke and read countless books. Blog platforms give me access to the Pioneer Woman's posts which in turn feeds my family and gives me a good laugh (Ree Drummond is my spirit animal).

I guess I am just thankful for all of the above mentioned items. We are a first world family for sure. That being said, there is a lot that has impacted my life and allowed me to live as I do. You know, running water, electricity, indoor plumbing, heat and air units, automobiles, anything medical. All of those things that we in developed countries take for granted. I should really just say I am grateful for just about any and all technology and its advancements; because without it I'd still be living in a cave somewhere.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day One.

So I found a 30 day writing challenge on Pinterest, and I'm going to make you, dear readers, suffer through it. The challenge is supposed to be about letting gratitude into your life, which is something I try to practice daily already. So this is really just going to be about me getting in some much needed wordsmith practice. I really do hope you enjoy it though. I think it will be interesting to go down the list and talk about what I am truly grateful for. Being satisfied and thankful is a choice we have to make daily and some times the little things can slip through the cracks. I am certain this challenge will be eye and heart opening.

Day number one's prompt is "what smell are you grateful for today?" I'm not going to lie, this is going to be one of the more difficult ones for me to narrow down. I have a list of scents that are near and dear to my heart and I could go on for hours about them. Seriously, I really could. But for the sake of this challenge, I'll just write about one. The obvious choice here would be my Grandfather's cologne. If you've read just one of my posts, you know Pa was my very best friend. So I keep his cologne sitting on my vanity and I smell it when I feel sad. But that is not the one I'm going to pick!!

You didn't see that coming did ya? I'm sneaky like that.

Instead I'm going to write about what I have often thought of as the scent of my life. It is the combination of sweat, dirt, lake water, and off-road diesel. I know you're probably like where the heck did that come from? Well, I'll tell you. My absolute, hands down, all time favorite past time is riding four wheelers, specifically below the dam at Grand Lake. I spent all of my teenage years there, and a good chunk of my adult years as well, and this smell is everywhere. It is all-consuming. It is present in summer and in winter. It is almost like lifeblood for the area. If the dry side of the dam had a vein you could split, this smell would pour out.

So why am I thankful for it? Because it was the scent of my first real relationship, which taught me to love. It is the smell of heartbreak and bad tattoos. It is the smell of warm bud light and Marlboro menthols. It is the smell of money and time spent. It is the smell that helped shape who I am now. It is forever in my memory and heart. If I had never smelled it, been bathed in it, all but worshipped it, I would have never had the hell of a journey I've had in my 25 years. I would have never met Cameron. I wouldn't have Robbie Jo. I would have never learned to live loud and bold.

So you can see, this dirty, gritty, scent means so much to me. It is me. Because of it, my life is what it is and I would never trade that or go back and change it.