Panera Promotions

Hello, Dear Reader. It's been almost a month since my last post, and I have much to write about. But today I am going to tell you about how I am literally drowning at work. So I think I've told you I got a promotion and that I was going to start training for my new position soon. Well, I've started training, and I am about halfway through. 

Each day that passes I wonder more and more why my superiors thought it was such a swell idea to move me up the chain of command; because all I really do is avoid any actual work and burn anything I have to bake during the day.

I guess my charming, sarcastic personality and my insatiable appetite for sucking up worked in my favor.

Anyway, it has been a pretty big disaster on the work front. While I can pick something up quickly, I can't seem to retain about half the information I'm being given, so I just walk around saying "I-I-I-I, I just...I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS." Which is basically Alex Code for "Pardon my behavior, I am currently suffering a panic attack." No one seems to notice though. I guess that's because I am in a constant state of caffeine induced panic.

On a serious note, I am beyond thankful for this opportunity. I just hope my bosses don't decide that having to tell me I'm doing just fine 500 times a day isn't worth having an extra set of hands on the management team.

Jolliest Asshole This Side of the Nuthouse.

It's Thanksgiving here in the US, Dear Reader. You know what that means? It means it's almost Christmas, and my mood is steadily declining. Holiday season is super rough for me, mostly because it's freaking cold and I'm actual a reptile wearing a human suit to keep warm. But also because I always feel like I don't have enough arms on my body or hours in my day to get things done and visit with my loved ones.

So I fuel my already anxious and sleep deprived brain with red bull, coffee, and an occasional drag of nicotine.

Okay not so much nicotine. I haven't smoked in about 4 years. But thinking about the impending holiday is making me want to smoke an entire pack of camel crush menthols and drink a case of the cheapest boxed wine. (Mom, if you're reading this, on your way to my house tomorrow, you know what I need for the store now. *insert winky face emoji*)

We all cope in our own ways.

Anyway back to the point of this post. Christmas is coming which means work is getting busier because people NEED 66,000,000 bagel packs and 72 loaves of holiday bread, and I'm about to start training for a new position, and we just opened a drive thru. I am beyond stressed. So I started asking my coworkers how they handle their holiday stress. No one had any good answers. Which makes me wonder, why do we make such a fuss over the holiday season?

I mean, yeah, your buttface brothers come in to town, pin you down, and give you indian burns and pink bellies (this is from personal experience), and maybe you're grandma gets drunk and passes out in the living room floor before anyone has even sat down to eat dinner, but is it worth all the freaking out?

No. No it isn't. So I challenge you, Dear Reader, to relax this holiday season. Don't have any gigantic meltdowns, and don't yell at your coworkers because they're messing with you and your shift ended 2 hours ago and you're ready to leave, and then try to make up for it by bringing candy to work the next day. Just chill out and enjoy all the dysfunction, chaos, and alcohol....errr...I mean cookies. I totally meant cookies.

Alex Laments. Episode 522.

Well hello, Dear Reader. Fancy meeting you here...I really shouldn't say that. I'm not entirely sure what it means, and obviously you're here because you read, and you like reading what I write. Soooo...

I believe some time ago I had promised I would write more when things calmed down in my life. Unfortunately my life has just gotten crazier and crazier. I finished out my last term in school for the year, in August, while working full time. That was, um, fun? But I did it, and I finished with like a 3.6 GPA. So pat me on the back and tell me I'm special. Because I am special, dammit. Now I'm working all the time. No seriously, like 6 days a week. That has not been fun. But it is necessary. There is hope on the horizon though. My employer has hired more staff, so I shouldn't be at work all the time anymore, and I've been working the job market a little. Pimping out my resume, if you will.

Wait, can you pimp out a resume that isn't impressive? Isn't that the point of putting your goods on the street? Because they're impressive and everyone wants them? I have no idea. My milkshakes DO NOT bring all the boys to the yard, so I'm probably going about this all wrong.

...anyway...I've been searching for gainful employment. Which basically means I've been thinking about how I wish I could work part time while receiving benefits and getting paid at least $1000.00 per hour. #realisticlifesgoal #igotsem. Obviously that is not going to happen. But I really have been considering what to do next, and what will be beneficial in my career path. I think I mentioned before that I had previously been majoring in surgical technology, because I couldn't afford the nursing program, but when the school announced it was closing I decided to pursue a creative writing degree? I still want to do that, but my heart is very much people oriented, and I need face to face interaction with folks to survive. I love people. So I've been tossing around majoring in healthcare admin or maybe a business focus of some sort, and minoring in writing. I mean, I've got to brush up my composition skills if I'm ever going to publish something note worthy. I still need to remind my brothers that I am better than they are and that I'm famous, and they're just butt faces. So a minor in creative writing is important. But trying to figure out my actual career path is hard. My heart  wants to be a healer, my wallet wants to be full, and my soul wants something that has family friendly hours. It's been a rather large task weighing the benefits and downfalls of everything, but doing so has made me realize just how much I really need more balance in my life.

I have NEVER been a balanced person. I zoom from one extreme to the next. I'm a workaholic and I prefer to always be busy. So when I started my current job, of course I offered to step up and work myself in to perpetual sickness (no really, since I started I've caught illness after illness, along with the majority of my coworkers). While this personality trait was a blessing before I had my daughter, it is now a curse. It leaves no room for family life, but it does improve the quality of the little bit of time we get together. The TV is playing more music, and we are all spending our time together instead of vegging out in front of Bob's Burgers re-runs. I just need and want to be home more. I'm missing out on so much. 

This time last year I was waking up to watch the sunrise and drink coffee while Robbie slept peacefully in bed. I was spending afternoons snuggling and playing with my little love. I was cooking every recipe I could get my hands on, and baking a new treat on the weekends. I didn't place enough value on those moments then. I knew they wouldn't last forever, but I didn't realize just how much I would miss them once they were gone. Now I am gone before Robbie or Cameron are awake in the mornings. I get home in just enough time to slap together dinner and spend maybe half an hour playing before it's time to go to bed. There is no meal made out of love. There is no baking. The sunrise is viewed in my rear view mirror. There is no rocking my girl or playing tea party with her. It's a strange place to be in. It isn't miserable. It is just unsatisfying. 

Which is sort of ironic, because this time has taught me so much about myself I didn't know. It has somehow made me into a better mother, a better person, a better student, a better employee, and strengthened my soul and my faith. I find myself almost admiring my growth. I am proud of who I am. 

I just want to enjoy who I've become with the ones I love more. 

So now I'm facing a very the very large project of making a path that will allow me to soak in those special moments again. I have no idea how or where to start, but I am going to make it happen. Some way, some how, I will get that balance that I need between career and family, and I will continue to grow.