Alex Laments. Episode:75984596295627465

As usual, Alexland is just mass chaos. I know that’s why you come here, Dear Reader. My hectic life and wild thoughts are your guilty pleasures. Kind of like when you see a People magazine headline that you just can’t not look at while standing in line to check out at the grocery store, only better. Because my drama is legit.

Anyway. The last time I had written, I told you I had just received a promotion at Panera Bread and was super stoked to start training. Since then, things have just gotten wildly out of hand, like life tends to do. In this time of utter nonsense, I’m finding myself in survival mode more often than not. I think as humans, this is what we do out of habit.

Sometimes survival mode is necessary to protect your sanity, your loved ones’ sanity, and also your bank account (so you don’t spend all of your money on Red Bull and menthol cigarettes. Not that I would know, because I have never purchased either of those items EVER in my life.) But often times, if we would just look whatever is plaguing us in the face, we could avoid trudging through the days, barely keeping our heads above water.

My point in bringing this up is, I need to learn how to look my demons in the face. I was recently told by someone very dear to me that they are impressed with how I handle the stress in my personal life. To this I replied “I don’t handle anything. I just pretend nothing is happening, throw myself in to my work, sleep very little, and caffeinate too much.” While this is a good coping mechanism for the first day or so, it keeps me from growing as a person through all of my trials and tribulations.

It could also probably cause me to look like death warmed over on my first day of a new job where I really felt like I needed to dazzle everyone since I could hypothetically have previous experience in the field.

Again, not that I would know from personal experience, I just assume.

Anywho. Growing as a person from major life events is rather important, and it dawned on me earlier this evening while listening to a loved one pray, that I really needed to work on growth; and that the only way for me to grow is to either A.) put my big girl boots on and handle it, or 2.) hand whatever the problem is over to God, and trust that he is going to work it out with/for me.

Both of these options are pretty damn scary. I mean, being an adult and actually acting like one? That is not for the faint of heart. But handing over your problems to some unknown supreme being and just trusting that he’s going to help you get through whatever is happening? That feels similar to walking through the living room at night, trusting that your child picked up all the legos off the floor like you told them to do a million times before they went to bed. Terrifying, isn’t it?

All I know is, we as people have to learn to buck up. Whether that means you charge head on at whatever life throws at you or you hand it over to whatever deity of your choosing, it has to be done.

You will thank yourself later for it, and not just because you won’t be in the poorhouse for spending all of your hard earned cash on caffeinated beverages.

Panera Promotions

Hello, Dear Reader. It's been almost a month since my last post, and I have much to write about. But today I am going to tell you about how I am literally drowning at work. So I think I've told you I got a promotion and that I was going to start training for my new position soon. Well, I've started training, and I am about halfway through. 

Each day that passes I wonder more and more why my superiors thought it was such a swell idea to move me up the chain of command; because all I really do is avoid any actual work and burn anything I have to bake during the day.

I guess my charming, sarcastic personality and my insatiable appetite for sucking up worked in my favor.

Anyway, it has been a pretty big disaster on the work front. While I can pick something up quickly, I can't seem to retain about half the information I'm being given, so I just walk around saying "I-I-I-I, I just...I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS." Which is basically Alex Code for "Pardon my behavior, I am currently suffering a panic attack." No one seems to notice though. I guess that's because I am in a constant state of caffeine induced panic.

On a serious note, I am beyond thankful for this opportunity. I just hope my bosses don't decide that having to tell me I'm doing just fine 500 times a day isn't worth having an extra set of hands on the management team.

Jolliest Asshole This Side of the Nuthouse.

It's Thanksgiving here in the US, Dear Reader. You know what that means? It means it's almost Christmas, and my mood is steadily declining. Holiday season is super rough for me, mostly because it's freaking cold and I'm actual a reptile wearing a human suit to keep warm. But also because I always feel like I don't have enough arms on my body or hours in my day to get things done and visit with my loved ones.

So I fuel my already anxious and sleep deprived brain with red bull, coffee, and an occasional drag of nicotine.

Okay not so much nicotine. I haven't smoked in about 4 years. But thinking about the impending holiday is making me want to smoke an entire pack of camel crush menthols and drink a case of the cheapest boxed wine. (Mom, if you're reading this, on your way to my house tomorrow, you know what I need for the store now. *insert winky face emoji*)

We all cope in our own ways.

Anyway back to the point of this post. Christmas is coming which means work is getting busier because people NEED 66,000,000 bagel packs and 72 loaves of holiday bread, and I'm about to start training for a new position, and we just opened a drive thru. I am beyond stressed. So I started asking my coworkers how they handle their holiday stress. No one had any good answers. Which makes me wonder, why do we make such a fuss over the holiday season?

I mean, yeah, your buttface brothers come in to town, pin you down, and give you indian burns and pink bellies (this is from personal experience), and maybe you're grandma gets drunk and passes out in the living room floor before anyone has even sat down to eat dinner, but is it worth all the freaking out?

No. No it isn't. So I challenge you, Dear Reader, to relax this holiday season. Don't have any gigantic meltdowns, and don't yell at your coworkers because they're messing with you and your shift ended 2 hours ago and you're ready to leave, and then try to make up for it by bringing candy to work the next day. Just chill out and enjoy all the dysfunction, chaos, and alcohol....errr...I mean cookies. I totally meant cookies.

What Happened In Here?

It's Sunday morning, Dear Reader. Are you gearing up for your impending doom...I mean work week? I'm not. I'm sitting at the kitchen table, drinking cold coffee that I forgot I had made until Robbie came walking over to me drinking it, and procrastinating. Procrastination isn't really something I take part in often *because there are not enough hours in my day* but I'm making an exception for today. Can you guess why? I'll just tell you. 

My house hasn't been thoroughly cleaned in about two weeks. It literally looks like a bomb went off in here. And it smells like the inside of a sweaty wool sock. I have about three weeks worth of laundry to fold, and a week's worth to wash. Also, the bathroom cabinet contents seem to have spontaneously combusted at some point during the madness of last week. 

I should insert a picture of the state of my living room floor right now. But it is cringe worthy. So I'm not going to.

I feel like I'm drowning in responsibilities. I felt like that as a stay at home mom too, but I actually got shit done then. Now I'm getting up at 3 am to be at work by 5 am, and getting home at about 3:30 pm, which means I rush through cooking dinner, paying bills online, and doing a load of laundry so I can have Robbie in bed by 7 pm and I can be asleep by 7:30 pm. It's kind of a recipe for disaster and embarrassment.

If my mother saw the way my house looks right now, she would be forced into an early grave. But not before she yelled at me for being a slob. 

I keep telling myself I am going to get a giant calendar to hang in my kitchen, and on said calendar I will plan my weekly chores. *I aim to be one of those got her shit together Pinterest moms* But it never happens. And even if I did get one, I don't follow my weekly plans on the giant calendar by my bed, and I'm constantly writing things in my planner and forgetting about it. So what's the point in wasting effort and money on another calendar?

Because office supplies and caffeine are my life blood, that's the point.

Anyway, I should probably get up and do something productive with this day. Mostly I just need to get up to change what is streaming on the TV right now, because "Mitkey Kissmass" is playing for the gabillionth time and I've had enough of that crap.

So I've been gone for two weeks now. Sorry about that. I've been busy with work training and kid stuff, and I'm still recovering from a week long migraine/virus. It's been hectic around here.

Anyway.

Cameron and I are HUGE animation fans. Our Amazon video library is mostly Disney and a hand full of Pixar movies. And with having a 2 year old, you can imagine that the TV is always playing something child friendly. Well today I decided to watch Toy Story because Robbie hasn't seen it, also I apparently needed a good cry.

Watching this movie made me think of all the animated flicks that will make a person a little misty, and I started to wonder if the creators of these shows are really just black hearted, soulless, torturous assholes who wish to make adults sad.

Look at Inside Out. I know loads of kids and adults loved that movie, but it was far from a happy tale. The little girl the emotions belonged to was clearly depressed, AND THERE WAS NO REAL RESOLUTION AT THE END. I hated that one. It reminded me and millions of others of our terrible early teen years. Who makes a movie like that?

Oh that's right, the original buttfaces who gave us tearjerkers like Bambi, The Fox and The Hound, Lion King, and Dumbo. Then they made Andy grow up and get over playing with all of his toys. Jerks. I guess they weren't satisfied with the damage they did to our feels with the first Toy Story, because they made two more.

There was also Up. We don't talk about the crying that happens in my house when that one comes on. It was so not meant for children. They just can't get the complexity of the grumpy old man.

And what about when Ray dies in The Princess and The Frog? He finally gets to be with Evangeline. Insert multiple crying emojis.

My point is, we are all gluttons for punishment and the kid flick creators know it. So they stab at our feels while entertaining our children, AND WE PAY THEM FOR IT.

Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

Today I am coming at you from an over caffeinated state. I drank a Red Bull, and now I’m having coffee. I am pregaming for my loooonnngggg day. I’m a bundle of nerves, as I have a ton of stuff happening, and my financial well being is going to be determined by the day’s outcome. Also, we start training for the drive thru at work this week. And while I am surprised at my excitement, I am super worried about to how it is going to go the first few times.

It’s stressful. I need the boost. Don’t judge me.

Anyway, Halloween is upon us. This means I’m watching and reading everything spooky. This also means I am having crazy nightmares, because I’m a wimp.

I didn’t even watch anything scary yesterday, but I threw around the idea of reading The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer, which explains why I had horrible dreams about going to some weird estate sale and finding an original copy of an Ed and Lorraine Warren book that was about some murders and Lycanthropy that occurred in my home town.

First of all, the Warrens worked with demons. B, werewolves aren’t scary. So I’m not sure why it was so terrifying, but Lilly Rabe was in it. And she was the evil nun she played in AHS: Asylum. Except for she was actually convincing in my dream, unlike in the show.

 Side note Rabe should just stick to playing good hearted characters. She just seems too sweet to be evil.

Tonight I think I’ll watch a Disney princess movie in hopes that I don’t have any more nightmares involving the Warrens. Not that I don’t absolutely admire their work, I just don’t feel like waking up screaming again.

Sunrises, Travel, and Dreams.

Hello Dear Reader. Today has been rather rough. I woke up hangry and overwhelmed. But I’m feeling much better now that I’ve had a nice long nap. I had a hard time writing this morning. I had loads of topics, but nothing seemed to sound right once it was on paper. And then I thought, why not just ramble?

Because your mind is like one of those toys for kids in the doctor’s office with the beads that you move across the intertwined wires, Alex. That’s why we don’t ramble on the blog.

So, I guess I won’t just type whatever.

Anyway, I’m staring out my living room window right now. It’s a sunny, windy, typical Fall day in Oklahoma, and I wish I was out enjoying it. I think today would have been the perfect day for getting up before the sun, finding a place to watch the sunrise, and snapping a few pictures while drinking coffee and enjoying the stillness.

I know I talk about sunrises all the time, but morning really is my favorite time of the day. And in my opinion, sunrises are a thousand times more beautiful than sunsets. Sunsets remind me of loss and heartache. But sunrises remind me of all the possibilities and paths that are in my life. Sunrises are comforting.

I am aware of how silly that sounded. It is how I truly feel. Cut me some slack.

I think it would be amazing to travel around the country and capture the sunrise everyday. Just getting to travel a little would be amazing. The wanderer in my soul is getting a little restless lately. I haven't left Oklahoma in 3 years, and it would be a nice change of scenery to get the hell out of Mayes County and see what this world has to offer.

I’m a little envious of those who can afford to travel. It isn’t a luxury I have in my life. Having a small child and a dog means I am strapped to Mayes County for awhile. Not that that is a bad thing or that I regret it. I just wish that I would have moved around some more before I had Robbie.

My soul needs to experience something moving, and it is hard to come by such events around here. Unless of course it is a tragedy. We, unfortunately, have plenty of those to go around. I guess that is why people leave the towns the grew up in, isn't it? To escape the monotonous, and tragic.

Maybe one day I will be able to leave this area and see what is out there. For now I will just continue to watch the sunrises and stare out my living room window.