Being A Parent: The Stuff of Nightmares.

Being a parent can be pretty scary. You see, I'm a new mom and my month old daughter is terrifying. Some days are less worrisome than others. I'll think "Man, this is easy!", and then those days will be replaced with no sleep, and the pulling out of my own hair.

Why am I pulling out my hair? Well because my sweet teeny tiny, is a super human strong, nine pound ball of movement. Wormy. Wiggly. DOES.NOT.STOP.MOVING. She's always been this way, even in the ultrasounds we could see how wiggly she was. And I could feel how strong she was by her kicking the crap out of my insides.

This is all good and fine, the signs of a healthy baby. But it makes trying to feed her difficult. Cue the pulling of hair and fretting over the next time you have to hold this child while standing on a hard surface.

You'll be holding her, ready to give her the bottle, and she starts flailing. Head flopping, arms and legs flying, breaking your grasp on her, and sometimes reality. You thought you were holding her securely, and now you're certain you'll drop her. But then, she catches sight of the bottle, and semi-rights herself and starts snorting and grunting for her lunch.

HORRIFYING ISN'T IT?!

Then there's the silly "Hey Mom, I'm suffocating!" noises. Have mercy.

My child, she's ornery, and comes by it naturally. She likes to give me coronaries, the massive kind. She'll wait until we're both supposed to be napping, open one eye, make sure I'm sound asleep, and then proceed to make this horrible noise that is similar to the sound of the sucker straw thing at the dentist, only more alarming. Scares me right out of my week old pajamas. But not to worry, she's not suffocating, and the funny noises are perfectly normal for her age. Something about science and brain function? "IDK, didn't pay attention in health class" applies well here.

I'm very fortunate, my daughter is happy, healthy, strong, eats well, and sleeps well. She just scares the dickens out of me. I know this is just the beginning of the horrifying, traumatic events she'll put me through. But I wouldn't change it for a second. I just hope all this hair grows back.